INSIDE TONY'S HEAD

February 14, 2001

Why is John Goodman's head empty?

It's a good question. You would hope that there is something inside that coiffed cabeza, otherwise his blank, four-eyed stare would feel even more creepy than it already does. Perhaps whatever is in John Goodman's head is hidden so deep that it can only be reached by a good hypnotherapist, or possibly a really long Q-tip. Or, maybe he just needs suggestions for things to think about.

I know. I'll write him a Dear John letter.

Dear John,

Here are some things you could think about:

1. ways to bring peace to the Middle East
2. try to watch the tempo of "Something You Said" during live shows
3. sex with women on TV
4. how to make toll booths disappear without anyone noticing
5. implement a working transporter beam
6. boy, that Dr. Laura's face really doesn't match up with her sexy voice
7. what if Jesus comes back with automatic weapons and "this time, it's personal"?
8. how to get every person in the world to buy the new Good CD
9. retirement fund or lottery tickets?
10. sometimes it's hard to wave your hands in the air and party like you just don't care

Those are just a few thought-starters. Consider them a gift. I'm hoping that they will be like Chia-pets and that soon your entire cranial cavern will be blooming with complex ideas. I'm also hoping that others will feel for your condition and e-mail you at john@thegood.org with more suggestions of things you might put into the depressingly vacuous space between your ears.

Until then, I'm happy to just tell you what to do and when to do it.

Your friend,
Tony