INSIDE TONY'S HEAD

June, 2002

Pop Psychology

Sit Right Down And Let's Begin

Are they ready for me to tell them about love?

Nice to meet you, come on in
Sit right down and let's begin
To sort through all your problems
And none of mine, there isn't time
And anyway, I'm the one who's perfectly fine
That's why it's your dime

I can make push come to shove
I can make you fall in love
I'll make you hurt 'til you crawl
Back for more, outside my door
Until you say you're so grateful to be perfectly cured
That's what I'm here for

Raise your right hand and repeat after me:

I do hereby
Swear that I'll try
Not to cop out
Sing my heart out

I do hereby
Swear that I'll try
Not to crap out
Sing my heart out

Let's not just call this a night
We could start things with a fight
I'm a good referee 'cause
I've been there, I know despair
And to be fair I've just read all your questionnaires

You prepaid so I prepared

Do You Wanna Be Cured By Oprah?

Do you wanna be cured by oprah? (No!)
You wanna be cured by me? (Yeah!)
How about the bald and mustachioed man
With whom Oprah must always agree? (No!)

How about Dr. Laura? (No way!)
Dr. Shrinker or Welby? (Jose!)

Or how about the skirt who gets under the shirt
Of James Gandolfini? (No...)

Maybe, but
You've already paid your money (True)
And who did you come to see? (You!)
If you're gonna get cured by somebody It might as well be....

Too Much You, Not Enough Me

...me

Sometimes there's too much of you
And not enough of me
When you tell me what to do
It takes my fantasy of you
And turns it into something new
Something I did not forsee
It isn't what I'd hoped for me, exactly

Sometimes there's too much of me
And not enough of you
You are glorious to see
But you've got no fat to chew with me
Too much responsiblity
I always have to be the one
Quiet nights and tedium, it's no...

...fun, what happened to the fun?
What happened to your smile?
I would love to hear you hum
You used to like to hum
And you did it with extra style

Sometimes there's too much of them
And not enough of us
Homes and dreams and yards and yen
And we're left in the dust

Who cares?
No matter where we go, we're there
And if we have to leave, we'll ride
Show 'em how it feels inside
We won't hide

Have You Read The Book?

She said,
Have you read the book?
Couldn't you just take a look?
It spells it out so clear
But I'll get deep inside your ear
Whisper sweet and sigh my dear
So you cannot help but hear

Bring home the bacon
Put out the trash
Validate my feelings and kiss my ass
Listen to me ramble
Tell me every thought
Touch me all the time but stop trying to get me hot

He said,
Yes I read the start
You forgot some other parts
Right there plain as day
But I'll remind you anyway
How much louder can I say
Bust your eardrums made of clay

Try to pay attention when I put out the trash
Dress like a hooker when you're kissing my ass
Kama kama sutra every night, every way
And maybe I should take you to the gym on Saturday

It's a tale old as time, it's a tale old as time

Now they've said their peace
No one dares to say the least
Each one thinks about
A way he or she could get out
But each escape route leads to doubt
He's the first to cave and shout:

I'll bring home the bacon
Put out the trash
Validate your feelings and kiss your ass
Listen to you ramble
Tell you every thought
Touch you all the time, but not trying to get you hot

And she replies,

I guess I'll try to pay attention when you put out the trash
And I'll dress like a hooker when I kiss your ass
Kama kama sutra almost every way
And maybe you can take me to the gym

And they lived happily until they had to say it one more time

Mars & Venus

If men are from mars and women are from venus
Then get out of my car and hand me back my penis
'Cause I don't want to raise an interplanetary fetus
I just wanna get along

Get get get get get along
Like custom vans and Cheech and Chong
Don't you think we ought to try to change it?

Get get get get get along
Like Jacko and his Beatles songs
Does someone always have to own the blame?
Get

You say you said that nasty stuff 'cause I don't nuture you enough
And you've got anger in your blood 'cause your old man was such a dud
But I did not conceive you or abandon you or leave you
I just wanna get along

Get get get get get along
Like Harry and the atom bomb
Somehow our peace just got annhilated

Get get get get get along
Like Barry and his TV mom
Your big show is all so overrated

Even Yosemite Sam got with the team in Space Jam

Get get get get get along
Like Eminem and Elton John
Can't we stop this adolescent game bit?

Get get get get get along
Like Villechaiz and Montalban
Life's too short to fight about all this lame shit

My Prescription For You Is Me

Would it be inappropriate for me
To ask you about the last time a man made you really really happy in the sack?
Forgive me

What you need is a healthy fantasy
Of a man who'd give you all those sweet things that you've always ever wanted but you lack
For example, me

If some things are better left unsaid
I could always unlend you my ear
If you don't want to wake up to me in bed
What the hell are you doing here?

My prescription for you is 24 hours of Tony
My prescription for you is me
If there's side effects for you
They can't be as bad as my loneliness
So please keep your appointments with me

Excuse me, where were we?
I was daydreaming.
Oh, yes...

Would it be at all untoward of me
To recommend you untie the knot 'cause the root of all your evils is your mac
Believe me

You could be so much more comfortable with me
I could analyze each moment we live 'til we're happy ever after
And in fact, I'll waive my fee

Stop looking at me like you're underfed
Your discomfort is all I can bear
If you don't want to shack up with me instead
Why are you lying in that chair?

My prescription for you is 6 nightly doses of Tony
My prescription for you is me
If there's side effects for you
They can't be as bad as my loneliness
So please keep your appointments with me

Excuse me, where were we?
I was daydreaming.
Oh, yes...

Would it be inappropriate for me
To ask you about the last time a man made you really really happy in the sack
Besides me?

Brick Wall

When I said I didn't feel so great
You were half listening to me
The other half of you was in a state
Because I never share my feelings

Hey! I'm talking to you! But am I getting through?

I try to tell you when we're in the car
Sometimes I don't know where to turn
The only nugget you've released so far
Is if I listen I can learn things

Hey! I'm talking to you! But am I getting through?

I don't want to lose you but I can't win with you
And though I wouldn't choose to live as a deafmute
I just might begin

Are you listening to me?
La la la la, I cannot hear you

Apology Delayed

When I'm cold and lying dead
You're gonna feel bad about what you said
You might be old, it might be today
And you just might wish it didn't go down that way

Your delayed apology is too lame to be believed
Take it back, it's not worth anything to me

Wouldn't it be, it'd be so nice
If you could just follow your own advice
When you told me it'd be so great
If we could make love without breeding hate

Your delayed apology is too lame to be received
Take it back, it's not worth anything to me

I'd Love Love

I got a condominium
And I like to order Indian or Thai
I'm a reasonably well-kempt guy
I've got a ninety-inch TV
I'm carefree
My salary is high
You've seen my Mercedes pass by
And I paid to be cryogenically frozen the day I die
It would kill me to trade almost all the above
But the one thing I'd love is love

I'd love love, love, love, love, love

I got a souped-up minivan
And a sixteen-year-old wedding band
No strife
I'm a terminally faithful wife
My kids mean everything to me
Potpourri!
I'm safe and secure
Even my loans are mature
I suppose they have big spas in heaven for girls who end up so pure
But I'd trade all the peace
I'd release every dove
For the one thing I'd love is love

I'd love love, love, love, love, love

It's a word I've heard so many times you'd think it's free
If it were, I'm sure someone would give it back to me

Love me, love me, love me, love, I love you, baby, love you, baby

Sit right down and let's begin
I already let you in

My Minivan

My minivan is a mean-looking ride
Gun-metal blue with a woody on the side
Just the sight of her makes me sigh
I don't care if her miles are high

Gave it to my girl instead of a ring
Diamond in the rough, not a sentimental thing
But you wouldn't know it from the way she cried
When I took her for her first ride

I cannot get you there in style
It just might take a little while
And if we need a little shove
Thank god it's me and not the car you love

Hits quiet streets with the force of a bomb
My minivan's got a party goin' on
Kids and animals side by side
When we sing we don't try to hide

I cannot get you there in style
It just might take a little while
And if we need a little shove
Thank god it's me and not the car you love

Love, love, love, don't look for the trim
Love, love, love, just climb on in!

My Rock & Roll Fantasy

You would laugh at me if you saw me sitting on my bed and
Listening stupidly to the soundtrack playing in my head where
We always make out at the game to Journey until I wake up ashamed and you're
Tearin' me apart every every day

I play solitaire, it's a loser's game but in my dream day
You are always there, smiling at me as I win and Queen sings
We are the champions my friends
I can't see that Fred, he's talking about men
And I've paid my dues time after time but commited no crime

It's all part of my rock & roll fantasy
It always starts with me and you, you and me

Maybe I'll confess, tell you everything and you'll say me too
I'll be half a mess as you're reaching for the knob on my stereo
We will make out at the game to Journey and we'll both feel the same and you're
Tearin' me apart every every day

Na na na na na na na na na na na

Does She Like The Same Movies?

Does she like the same movies as you do?
Do the sappy ones also make her cry
Or does she make you feel like your feelings aren't real
And you're too easily manipulated by directors who tell all the obvious lies?

Does he like the same movies as you do?
Do the punny ones also make him laugh
Or does he roll his eyes, take your smarts down a size?
And do you smile a little less when he's through?
And who will you recite the funny lines to?

You are not real
You are not real
You are not real until you find somebody who feels
You are not real
You are not real
You are not real until you find somebody who feels like you do.

The Set-Up

My name is Ryan, it's a pleasure to meet you
And mine is Dina, are you looking for someone to complete you?
Actually, no, I was just looking for a nice conversation
That's a relief, shall we commence to share our droll observations?
What do you think of the show?
I think it totally blows.
Me too!

And that glimmer of recognition was the spark that attacked the ignition
It was a powerful premonition of a sensual swap of emissions
They liked the same movies and games
Had no shame'cause they thought it was lame
And they eventually came to the conclusion that they were the perfect pair

Oh Dina, will you marry me?
Ryan, do you think you need to ask me?
Don't make it, make it hard for me
Of course I'll marry you, sugar pie, silly bee

Dina will you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Will you take him by the hand and help him become a man?
Will you be there by his side through sickness and health, prickness and stealth?
Will you drive a minivan?

Ryan will you take this brief opportunity to ponder your future?
What about the thousands of girls who might one day become your fans?
Your bride is simply radiant, but will you eat ham for every supper?
Or will you sneak a leg of lamb?

Who gives this couple to the earth and sky? (we do)
Who gives this couple 'til the day they die? (we do)
Who gives this couple to the universe? (we do)
Who gives this couple five years or less? (we do)

(You may now kiss the bride.)

The first few years went pretty well
The road doesn't always lead straight to hell
They had three boys, bought a pile of bricks
And passion got muscled out in the mix
Her neurotic inhibitions were the spark that attacked his ambition
Every unwashed fork and dishpan would bring a deadly and new inquisition
They played the same manipulative games
Passed the blame, filled with shame
'Cause they eventually came to the conclusion that they were in perfect despair

Honey, I'm gonna be late from work
Then you can fix your own dinner, inconsiderate, miserable fuck-ass jerk
Don't you think I already feel bad?
Tell it to the children of the mythical astonishing invisible dad
Oh baby, come on, I work so hard to bring it home
I do it all for you and me and for the whole damn family
If you could only appreciate the way I serve a job I hate
The sacrifice, the broken hope, don't even get, enough rope
To seal the deal, make it real, show the world just how I feel
Call it quits, give it up

Oh sugar, please, please stop.
'Cause I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

But that was just half of the truth
The other half of it was a pretty litttle youth
With shoulder-length, beautiful hair
You can check her out she's sitting right there
(Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty)
Maybe it's easy to lie
But he was giving somebody a piece of his pie
And there wasn't any left to feed poor Dina
Who was starving and we know why

Goodbye Ryan, I still can't believe it
I'm sorry Dina, you know I never wanted to leave it
Let's not go through that again, I can't bear to hear your excuses
You're right, I know that I'm not being fair and I know that it's useless
What do you think of this snow?
I think it totally blows.
Me too.

You Can Be My Nightlight

I don't wanna stand next to your fire
You don't have to take me any higher
No one has to sail any stormy sea
And fever's a condition I'll never need

But you, you can be my nightlight
Lead me through
Help me when I can't quite find my way
When I'm blue, red, green, or grey
I know that you'll stay

When I was a kid, I liked it hot
If I got a chance, always took my shot
But I don't wanna live like Geranimo
I just wanna bathe in your low-watt glow

'Cause you, you can be my nightlight
Lead me through
Help me when I can't quite find my way
When I'm blue, red, green, or grey
I know that you'll stay

It can't be wrong when it feels so right
'Cause you
You light up my life

So you, you can be my nightlight
Lead me through
Help me when I can't quite find my way
When I'm blue, red, green, or grey
I know that you'll stay

You Gotta Love Somebody

You might marry a beautiful bride before you see her scars
And then fight the same ridiculous fight until you keep your teeth in jars

You might rope in a good-looking boy and buy your pile of bricks
Then get sucked into an emotional void after you learn that he's a dictator

But what are you gonna do?
You gotta love somebody
Even if that somebody don't always like you
What else can you do?
You gotta love somebody
Even if that somebody is you.

Uh-huh, whoa, la la la la la la la la la

You might vow to stay with your mate until you're old and gray
And then be forced to push up that date because it turns out that he's gay

You might go on a sensual ride with a girl who feeds your soul
But she might be like a black widow spider, after sex she'll eat you whole

Hell, but what are you gonna do?
You gotta love somebody
Even if that somebody don't always like you
What else can you do?
You gotta love somebody
Even if that somebody is you.

Uh-huh, whoa, la la la la la la la la la

I do hereby
Swear that I'll try
Not to chicken out
Sing my heart out

Uh-huh, whoa, la la la la la la la la la

Love, love, love, love, love

Archives